


Show me your fears, I'll crush them one by one

by Mimisempai



Series: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas [8]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Moving In Together, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:02:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28159461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimisempai/pseuds/Mimisempai
Summary: When you decide to move in together, there are a lot of things to consider, compromises, acceptances...this is the story of Sonny and Rafael moving in together and learning to live together.
Relationships: Nick Amaro/Mike Dodds, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2052099
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	Show me your fears, I'll crush them one by one

"So, it's almost the big day? You're happy about it, I hope, even if it's new for you."

Rafael sipped his coffee and wondered what was the best answer. Yes seemed too restrictive, but it was not as if he wanted to go into the details of his new living conditions or those of Sonny. Yes, he was happy to move in with Sonny, of course, but... 

"Rafael?"

"I am... cautiously optimistic. You know me."

Olivia nodded. "For you, it's practically effusive." Laughing, she picked up a new pretzel. "I'm happy for you and Sonny." Her smile faded briefly, "If Tucker's death taught me anything, it's to take happiness wherever you can get it. I'm glad you decided to give your relationship with Sonny a chance."

"It was natural," Rafael whispered.

Olivia frowns. "Hm?"

Rafael cleared his throat. "It's nothing. I've talked too much."

"Talking too much?" Olivia laughs. "In a court, for a closing argument, yes, but as far as your personal life is concerned, one couldn't reproach you for talking too much. I think you're lucky that Sonny is so insistent and pushy. Knowing how determined he can be, I think I know what you are talking. Although I am curious about one thing."

"What's that?" Rafael was getting ready.

"How are you going to handle cohabitation, because you each have your own bachelor habits."

This question was going round and round in Rafael's head, he was ready to compromise, but he wasn't going to back down either. With the personalities they both had, it could seem insurmountable from the outside and even from the inside if he was honest with himself. 

"I guess we'll see as we go along," he answered more confidently than he felt.

"You know where I am, if you need to talk."

"Thank you. But let's stop talking about me, since I'm no longer connected with the precinct, I don't know anything about what's going on there. So, have you found a replacement for Sonny yet?"

Sonny and Rafael had decided to open a law firm together in the same building they would be living in, with their office on the ground floor and their flat on the second floor. 

Olivia was down one detective and not just any detective. Rafael knew that Sonny and his talent would leave a void.

"Well, there is a young recruit, who is promising, I'm putting a lot of hope in her. As a matter of fact I will have to leave, I have an evaluation interview with her. And don't worry, I'm sure everything will go well with Sonny."

Once Olivia had left, the afternoon passed without surprise for Rafael who was looking forward to going home. He was having a hard time concentrating because of the changes that were coming and the slight anxiety it caused him.

__________

Sonny was waiting in Rafael's living room when Rafael returned home. "Rafael!" he said, getting up and approaching Rafael to give him a kiss. Rafael thought that this, for example, would be a gesture he would have nothing against if it were to become part of their routine in the future. 

But as often when they hadn't seen each other for a while, things quickly heated up between them and they were both panting when they parted.

"How was your day? Did you see Liv? Is everything OK?"

That too was something pleasant -though he found it annoying at first- this stream of Sonny's words. He had realised that Sonny's questions were always sincere, he expected answers and never asked them out of politeness.

"Since I don't have much to do now that I'm in transition between jobs, it was a bit boring, but my time with Liv was nice," Rafael said quietly, pushing a lock of Sonny's hair behind his ear. "And you? How was your lunch with Mike and Nick?"

"Fun. They're excited for us."

Rafael raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes, I swear." Sonny smiled. "They even offered to help us move our stuff once the renovation is done."

Rafael shook his head. "They're really surprisingly supportive."

"Absolutely. It's Mike's idea," Sonny blushed a little. "I think he wants it to give Nick ideas."

Sonny pulled Rafael over to the sofa and made him sit down. Then he sat down in his favourite position, lying with his head in Rafael's lap. "I understand Nick's reluctance, after all it's a big decision."

Turning his head towards Rafael, Sonny shook his head. "Yes, but when you love each other, isn't that normal?"

"Of course Sonny," murmured Rafael as he ran his hands through Sonny's hair, erasing the last traces of hair product, which he was still using a little too much of. "But normal doesn't mean easy."

"Hmm." Sonny smiled. "Hey, I gave you a choice of place, we could have lived at my place or yours."

"No thanks." Rafael shuddered. "Never enough room for both of us. And I like the idea of something new for the two of us."

Sonny nodded and mentally recorded this comment by Rafael, precious because it was very rare. "That's it. And at least I know you're satisfied with our future home."

"Indubitably." Rafael made a gesture showing his flat. "We certainly can't stay here."

"Honestly? I don't care where we live as long as we're together."

"Well, we're going to be together a lot. Between work and home," said Rafael.

"Yeah." Sonny looked up and smiled at Rafael. "This is going to be great!"

"We'll see," said Rafael, who finally realised that it wasn't him who was afraid of being disappointed, but that he was afraid of disappointing Sonny.

After a few moments of silence, he decided to put his fears aside and enjoy the moment.

"Now, have you thought about what you want for dinner?" Another habit that had tacitly taken hold of them. They took turns preparing their meals when they spent more than one day at each other's house.

"No." Sonny pressed up against Rafael, "But I know what I want for dessert."

"What a coincidence," whispered Rafael as he slipped his hand under Sonny's shirt, "I think we both have the same idea."

And this kind of little moment between them, these little habits, made Rafael think that maybe he didn't need to be anxious about their future cohabitation.

_____

A few days later Rafael went around the room that was his new office, inspecting his chair, desk and shelves. He dragged his hands over all the surfaces, nodding as he went along. It was laid out as he wanted it. 

"Rafael?"

"I'm here."

When Sonny appeared, Rafael was sitting at his desk, looking at a book and pretending to take notes. When Sonny came up behind him, slid his arms around Rafael's neck and kissed the top of his head, Rafael leaned back with his eyes closed. "It's going to be hard to work if you get into the habit of doing this," he whispered

Sonny's hands slipped over Rafael's shoulders and he began a firm massage. "What about this?"

Rafael sighed, "That's not good for concentration either..." as Sonny's skillful fingers had encountered a particularly knotted muscle.

"Oh, is that so?" Sonny pressed his thumbs rhythmically into the back of Rafael's neck and it did him so much good that Rafael moaned, "It doesn't seem to bother you that much."

"You and your distracting hands can't be here too often," said Rafael, "otherwise I'll never be able to work properly, a massage like this, on the other hand, is... effective. I didn't know you knew how to give massages." Rafael was always happy to learn new things about Sonny.

A slight wave of sadness passed over Sonny's face, and if he thought Rafael would not see it, he was wrong, the computer screen was turned off and he could see mirrored on the screen the expression of sadness on Sonny's face.

"Sonny?"

"Um... I learned it for my nonna, she often had back pain, but she didn't like going to the physiotherapist, that's the only way she would agree to have a massage. From me. I hadn't done it since she..."

"Oh Sonny... I'm sorry." Rafael grabbed the hand that had remained on his shoulder and squeezed it.

"It's been ten years since she left and..." 

"I know, Sonny, believe me I know."

They looked at each other through the mirror offered by the computer screen, a glimmer of understanding in their eyes, conscious of having one more, albeit sadder, link that brought them together.

Sonny kissed Rafael head, "Sorry, I don't want to distract you. It's just so nice and strange to have you just a few steps away from me all the time."

"Why strange?" Rafael turned in his chair to look at him.

Sonny shrugged his shoulders, his face turned pink. "I'm used to storing in my memory all the things I want to say to you later, but now that we are in our new house, and we both work at home, I have access to you all the time and that's..."

"Different."

"Yeah. And tempting. And distracting." Sonny licked his lips. "I want to see you all the time, and not just talk to you if you know what I mean..."

"Yes, I know exactly what you mean" Rafael cleared his throat, struggling against the mental images that Sonny's words evoked. "However, we should agree on some house rules, now that we'll be together all the time."

Sonny nodded. "Yes, we really should do that, if only for my sanity." He bit his lower lip and when Rafael saw him do it he thought it wasn't just for Sonny's sanity.

"Maybe later, though, if you want Raf? Or tomorrow?"

"Why tomorrow?" Rafael raised an eyebrow. "Why not now?"

Sonny smiled. "Because I'm excited now, and you're just pretending to take these notes."

Rafael raised an eyebrow and asked, "And why are you saying that?"

"Your pen isn't uncapped, and there's nothing written on your notebook."

Rafael pushed himself away from the desk and stood up. "You've become much too observant."

"That's what happens when you hang out with a former detective. He's capable of getting to the bottom of things. And speaking of getting to the bottom of things..." Sonny raised his eyebrows, a hopeful smile on his face.

"You're insatiable."

"Does this mean you're willing to put it off until tomorrow?"

Rafael grabbed him and pulled him against him. "It seems so."

"Perfect!"

________

Since they had settled in, a small routine began to take shape. Unfortunately, this routine was not always helpful in getting the work done.

Sonny was a constant source of distraction. It seemed that he couldn't seem to stop himself from coming to Rafael's office all the time for the slightest little reason and the problem was that it didn't bother Rafael and so he couldn't work. But he didn't want to talk to him about it for fear of offending him.

"Oh, I'm sure Sonny will calm down eventually," Olivia had said once Rafael had told her about his frustrations. "Although I can think of more serious problems than having an enthusiastic young lover at your disposal."

Rafael sighed, "I knew I should never have told you about it."

Olivia laughed. "We are friends, Rafael, and friends share. I'm glad you told me. In any case, the first few weeks of living together are always a period of adjustment in a couple. Eventually things will calm down on their own."

But after another month, Rafael was afraid that the adaptation period would never end. After repeated requests, he managed to get Sonny to give him enough time to work alone in his office during the day, but Rafael was used to reading quietly in the evenings, and Sonny's constant presence and need to talk about his day simply didn't allow him to do so.

In addition, Sonny had friends and needed to see them, so sometimes Rafael would come out of his office to see them in their living room with Sonny.

Rafael was sure that Sonny would also tell them things about himself, because sometimes he would catch strange glances in his direction.

"I feel like they are staring at me", Rafael complained one evening when he sat down with Sonny to chat after dinner. 

"You can't blame them for being curious. After all, they all remember the way we behaved with each other when I arrived in the precinct. And also... um... I may have bragged for a moment or two about your... prowess. Nothing graphic, only small details" he hastened to add when Rafael's mouth opened.

"Small details", Rafael repeated.

"Oh, but nothing, just that I'm satisfied, that's all."

Hiding his face in his hands, Rafael moaned. "Sonny, please tell me you haven't discussed our sex life with your friends!"

"Uh... you want me to lie?"

"Sonny!"

"Rafael, people think I'm not mature enough for you. That you're too serious and I'm not serious enough, that you're smarter and I'm stupid. But I don't care what other people think. But I want my friends to like you and realise that you are good for me and I am good for you."

"And that requires you to tell them intimate details of our lives..." Rafael mumbled.

"It's not just that," said Sonny, who was clearly struggling to express himself. "I tell them little things that humanise you. That you like my cooking, that you love musicals, that I think you're sexy in the morning when you wake up, nothing too intimate...".

"Only in the morning when I wake up?!"

You can count on Rafael to have picked up only on that.

"Even sexier than usual."

"Aaaah, that's the reason for those morning quickies," replied Rafael.

"Don't you like it?"

"That's not the point, Sonny."

"I know what it is about. The point is that I just want people to know the real you. To see you the way I see you."

"And for that you have to tell them we get laid every morning?"

"It was just one time, and it was Mike's fault. He was a bit tipsy and he was bragging about how hot Nick was."

"It just gets better and better."

"Rafaeeeel. I didn't say anything more than I just told you, I promised! Now they know why I'm good with you."

"Because I give satisfying orgasms when I'm barely awake."

"Because you're brilliant, and caring, and yes, incredibly sexy." 

Raising Rafael's hand to his lips, Sonny kissed his fingertips and whispered, "And because I love you."

And just like that, Rafael's irritation disappeared. He took Sonny's face in his hands and ran his thumb over his lower lip. "And I feel the same way. But Sonny, I also wish you wouldn't talk too much about our intimacy even with your best friends."

"You think I want to tell them how perfectly your lips fit my mmph."

Rafael had just closed his mouth with a kiss and after that Sonny was no longer clear enough to list Rafael's bedroom qualities and Rafael left his book aside without regret. It was important that he did not fail to live up to his reputation.  
  


______  
  


A time of adaptation and a few compromises later, they had created a little routine that worked well.

They had distributed the tasks in a balanced way, using each person's particular skills. Sonny was obviously more in charge with the customer contact side of things, his sociability and empathy was perfect for that, he also took care of the investigative side where his detective skills were really appreciated. Rafael was in charge of preparing the files, interviewing the defendants, of the contacts in court that required more diplomacy. But for everything that happened in court during the trial time, whether it was interrogation, cross-examination or closing argument, it was always together. Rafael would never have thought that he would like to share the core of his work with anyone so much, he and Sonny were incredibly complementary in this part of their work.

They had lunch together every day and although Rafael complained about being interrupted, it was actually nice to take a break and listen to Sonny's lively chatter over a simple meal.

In addition to the compromises, Rafael was also able to see how accommodating and tolerant Sonny was. 

One day Sonny brought a client into his offic., Rafael was surprised to see it was James, a former Harvard classmate and also a former lover. He and Rita had been part of the same group of friends at Harvard. They had been a couple for a while and nobody knew about it because James wasn't comfortable with it. He had ended their relationship and ended up with a girl from their class. Rafael had been hurt more by the secrecy of their relationship than by the break-up itself, it had been more of an infatuation than anything else. And there he was in his office, sure that Rafael was going to help him solve his relationship problems.

He couldn't understand why James had come to see him. He hadn't seen him since their graduation. 

James, a desperate and miserable expression on his face, sighed, "My wife wants to leave me."

Rafael raised an ironic eyebrow. "Really? I wonder why. And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Don't take the piss out of me! "James got angry. "I...I thought given our history you could understand me and help me to..."

"I don't see how I can help you, I don't do divorces."

"But I don't want a divorce! I was just thinking how close we had been and how much you loved me… "

"What? Do you think I can help you with what's wrong in your relationship? I'll tell you what's wrong, it's that she's a woman." 

"I don't know what you mean. I love her, Rafael, I really do! I have no intention of calling off our marriage." James stared at Rafael, his expression begging. "Please, help me."

"I don't see what I can do. It would even be a favour to tell her to leave you. "

"Ah, you take it like that! After what happened between us!"

"You made me understand the value of what there was between us the first time you suddenly let go of my hand and pushed me away as our friends arrived. Since then I have a lot more self-esteem, you won't coax me by trying to rekindle a flame that didn't exist. I have someone in my life who values me more than him and I value him more than me."

"You're talking about the big guy that came to open the door for me, come on Rafael you can do better than that. That look and that accent... in three minutes I could see the value he has."

"I think you'd better get out before we each say more irreparable things, and one thing before you leave, Sonny is more valuable than your whole person just in his little finger. Don't ever come back here again!"

James turned his heels and walked away, slamming the door.

Once gone, Rafael immersed himself in his work, to forget this unpleasant scene, torn between his own disappointment at having loved such an idiot and, above all, anger at the way he looked at Sonny. Rafael had refrained from throwing his fist in his face. He hadn't had that anger in him for a long time, which had also shown him how important Sonny was to him. And as always when he was upset, he immersed himself into work and forgot the time. When he came out of his office late at night, Sonny was waiting for him.

"Difficult interview?"

There was no way that Sonny didn't hear the argument, Rafael only were hoping that he didn't hear the words.

Rafael bowed his head. "You could say that." 

He sniffed. "Ropa Vieja? You made Ropa Vieja?!" Then he remembered it was his turn to cook. "Mierda! My apologies, I forgot..."

"That's OK. I figured you were busy with work and your fight with the client." Rafael opened his mouth to say something, but Sonny put his finger on his mouth and continued, "So I took care of dinner." Sonny smiled, drawing him to the table. "And, as it's a cold night, this dish seemed appropriate."

"No objection from me," said Rafael, sitting at the table. There was the stew, fresh bread and even an open bottle of red wine. "You really went to a lot of trouble. Once again, I'm sorry..."

"It's good," Sonny assured him. Smiling, he took a spoon. "It happens to me too, you know." Blowing on his spoon of Ropa Vieja, he took a small bite. "Hot."

"It's delicious. How did you...?"

Sonny took a sip of red wine. "Your mom gave me the recipe some time ago when I asked her what your favourite food is." They ate in a pleasant silence, and when they finished, Rafael did the dishes to make up for his forgetfulness.

"Do you have room for tiramisu?" There Rafael saw how Sonny was always concerned about his well-being, he told him that it was the dessert Sonny made that he liked best. 

How could James have said something like that? And how could Rafael even let him say something like that? Sonny was perfect for him.

"After. Come now." He took Sonny with him and then sat on the couch tapping his knees to signal Sonny to take his usual position, which he did.

"It looks like it's been bothering you," Sonny said after a few moments.

Rafael frowned. "Why do you say that?

"Usually you talk to me about what you've done, but you're rather quiet tonight."

Sighing, Rafael said, "The client you brought me, James, is an old lover, the one I told you about, from Harvard. He came to me for advice, because he assumed certain things about me, and then he said something."

He felt Sonny stiffen, "What did he say?"

Rafael didn't answer.

"Rafael..." Sonny whispered.

"It was something about you. I don't want to hurt you and that's what will happen if I tell you."

"Rafael, I'm not made of glass, and I've had my share of insults, so go ahead. I'm used to hearing strangers' opinions about our relationship."

"When I tried to explain to him that I was happy with you, he told me more or less that I deserved better than you."

Sonny swallowed and didn't answer. 

Rafael knew it was a sensitive subject and Sonny had for a long time been afraid that he wasn't good enough for Rafael. It had taken Rafael a long time to convince him otherwise and he hoped it wouldn't make Sonny relapse.

"It's OK."

"It's OK?"

"Yes really. I know what you think of me. You know me and thanks to you, I see myself differently, I've got over it. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it doesn't sting. But that's just a sting, nothing more. Forget it, Rafael." 

Running his hand through Sonny's hair, Rafael breathed a sigh of relief and said, "How can he say that when you react that way. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you."

"Are you trying to give me away to someone else?" Sonny asked with a smile, the mischievous glow that Rafael liked so much back in his eyes.

Rafael grunted. "Certainly not." He bent down and kissed Sonny, who put his arms around his neck and with a skilful movement found himself lying on the sofa with Rafael above him. Rafael put his forehead on Sonny's. "Having you near me is my miracle. You don't know how happy I am every day with that, Sonny. I'm just afraid that one day you'll realise that you're the one who deserves better."

Sonny whispered against his lips, "No way. I'm staying here with you. We're perfect for each other." Rolling his hips against Rafael's, he continued, "And speaking of being there for each other..."

The Tiramisu had to wait until the next day to be enjoyed.

_____

"You look well, Rafael. Everything is going well with you and Sonny, I guess", said Olivia when she entered his office. Rafael had told her what had happened with James, she was one of the few people who knew his story. She had comforted him by telling him that Sonny had matured and that this was not going to put their relationship in danger.

Nodding, Rafael couldn't resist a smirk. 

"Everything's going very well, yes." 

"Clearly." Olivia smiled. "You certainly look... satisfied." 

Her eyes narrowed. "Although, given the bags under your eyes, may I recommend that you rest tonight?"

Rafael widened his smile. "I'm sure I'll rest... one day, even if it's not tonight. As I told you before, Sonny can be... enthusiastic, and we're enjoying a bit of a second honeymoon right now." 

Chuckling, Olivia shook her head. "And as I told you, enjoy this moment. Even the enthusiasm of youth fades away." 

"Indeed it does. Did you need anything?"

"Do I need a reason to visit an old friend?" asked Olivia. 

"I'm just surprised, since we used to meet every Friday for our weekly coffee, I tell you my gossip and you tell me yours."

"Actually I need an outside view on a case, I have the impression that our prosecutor is not objective."

Rafael nodded his head. "Send me all this stuff and I'll give you my opinion tomorrow." 

"Excellent." Olivia smiled. "Thank you. And of course I'll find a way to compensate." 

Rafael raised an eyebrow. "Do you think I'm in your budget?" 

"I'm your friend, you'll give me a good price," said Olivia, smugly. Then she continued, "I am leaving."

"I'm going to start reading this file as soon as you send it in, Sonny and I have probably had enough of the state of grace... at least for today."

Olivia shook her head. "Lovely. And as I'll see you next Friday for tea, you can give me all the details then. Don't let him tire you out too much! And say hello to him for me." 

"Of course", said Rafael. He closed the door and, aware of a presence behind him, he froze. 

Sonny, standing in the doorway between their offices, smiled from ear to ear.

"Aha! So it's not just me. You're doing it too!" 

Rafael raised an eyebrow. "Pardon?" 

As Sonny approached him, he touched Rafael's chest with his index finger. 

"You also tell your friends intimate details about our relationship!" 

"I certainly don't." 

"Oh, I think you do. I just heard Liv teasing you about "youthful enthusiasm" and telling you to rest because you look tired." Sonny's eyes were dancing with joy. 

"I-" Rafael sighed, "All right, I guess I told her a few things about our life together - Hmph!"

Sonny, who had practically pinned Rafael to the ground, kissed deeply. Rafael put his hand on his cheek, kissed him back, slowed things down, put his other hand on Sonny's back. Once things had calmed down, he stepped back. 

"What was that for?" he asked, putting a stray lock of hair behind Sonny's ear. 

"You talk about me to people, you brag about me." Sonny's eyes gleamed. "That means you're proud to be with me." 

Rafael blinked. "Of course I am. How can you doubt it?" 

Sonny pressed another kiss on Rafael's mouth. "You can be a hard man to read sometimes." 

"Not at all," whispered Rafael, tapping Sonny's buttocks. "I'm an open book." 

"You're..." Laughing, Sonny rolled his eyes. "You're not at all." His face calmed as he looked into Rafael's eyes. "But I think I can read you." 

"You're really doing it," Rafael acknowledged gently. And he wondered how long it would take Sonny to see in his eyes the infinite love he had for him, and whether he would be able to surprise him with the ring he had in his pocket.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Sarah for The Beta !


End file.
